Brent Hartinger (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} brentsbrain) wrote,@ 2008-05-31 10:59:00 |
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INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF *REALLY SERIOUS*, *RIDICULOUSLY DANGEROUS* DOOM
So every year I participate in something called the DoubleShot Festival, wherein playwrights such as myself are given a topic at 9 PM Friday night and expected to turn in a one-act play at 8 AM the following morning, which is then rehearsed and performed that night. A new fully produced play in less than 24 hours!
The topic this year was "History's bitch! Or the problem with being so damn modern."
So, in honor of the new Indiana Jones movie (which I didn't really like and hadn't seen when I wrote this), here's the play I came up with:
INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF REALLY SERIOUS, FANTASTICALLY OVERWHELMING, RIDICULOUSLY DANGEROUS DOOM
By Brent Hartinger
SETTING: (It is an ancient temple. A golden idol sits on a pedestal.)
AT RISE: (The music to the Indiana Jones movies plays. INDIANA JONES enters (wearing a leather jacket, khaki pants, brown shoes, a safari hat, and a coiled whip at his waist). As the music continues to play, he creeps to the pedestal, glancing cautiously around. Once at the pedestal, he pulls a small bag of sand from his jacket. He looks between the bag and the idol, scratching his chin thoughtfully. He lifts the bag of sand, pours a little out, all the while gauging its weight with his hand. When he thinks it’s about the same weight as the idol, he lifts it next to the idol, then quickly snatches the idol with one hand while replacing it with the bag of sand with the other; the pedestal is rigged to release a trap the moment the idol is removed, but bag of the sand will hopefully keep the trap in check. Indiana glances around, expecting the worse, but nothing happens. He has succeeded in capturing the idol! The music swells. Note: this is all taken from the opening sequence of Raiders of the Lost Ark).
INDIANA JONES: Yes!
(Pleased by his success, he turns to go. But that moment, BOKLAVA VON SNIPE enters from the opposite side. A villainess of the highest order, she is dressed all in black, holds a riding crop, and speaks with a thick accent of indeterminate origin. Note: it is impossible to camp up this role too much!)
BOKLAVA: Not so fast, Dr. Jones!
(Indiana whirls in surprise.)
SFX: the music fades out.
INDIANA JONES: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Boklava Snipe.
BOKLAVA: At last ve meet again!
INDIANA JONES: What do you want, Boklava?
(She waves her riding crop, perhaps seductively.)
BOKLAVA: Vhat do you think? I vant the idol, of course.
INDIANA JONES: Well, you can’t have it! This thing belongs in a museum, and that’s exactly where I’m taking it.
(He puts the idol in his jacket pocket and turns to go. Boklava speaks, stopping him.)
BOKLAVA: But you still need to get out of this temple, Dr. Jones. And there are certain, shall ve say...traps still to be evaded! But just say the vord, and I’ll show you the safe vay out. In exchange for the golden idol, of course!
INDIANA JONES: No chance, Boklava! There’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve already gotten past the pit trap, the giant rolling ball trap, and the toasted s’mores trap...
BOKLAVA: Oh, but those vere all mere trifles compared to this last challenge!
INDIANA JONES: What challenge?
ANDREA (from off-stage): Indiana? Indiana Jones?
BOKLAVA (dramatically): The Challenge...of the Potentially Pissed-Off Girlfriend!
So every year I participate in something called the DoubleShot Festival, wherein playwrights such as myself are given a topic at 9 PM Friday night and expected to turn in a one-act play at 8 AM the following morning, which is then rehearsed and performed that night. A new fully produced play in less than 24 hours!
The topic this year was "History's bitch! Or the problem with being so damn modern."
So, in honor of the new Indiana Jones movie (which I didn't really like and hadn't seen when I wrote this), here's the play I came up with:
INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF REALLY SERIOUS, FANTASTICALLY OVERWHELMING, RIDICULOUSLY DANGEROUS DOOM
By Brent Hartinger
SETTING: (It is an ancient temple. A golden idol sits on a pedestal.)
AT RISE: (The music to the Indiana Jones movies plays. INDIANA JONES enters (wearing a leather jacket, khaki pants, brown shoes, a safari hat, and a coiled whip at his waist). As the music continues to play, he creeps to the pedestal, glancing cautiously around. Once at the pedestal, he pulls a small bag of sand from his jacket. He looks between the bag and the idol, scratching his chin thoughtfully. He lifts the bag of sand, pours a little out, all the while gauging its weight with his hand. When he thinks it’s about the same weight as the idol, he lifts it next to the idol, then quickly snatches the idol with one hand while replacing it with the bag of sand with the other; the pedestal is rigged to release a trap the moment the idol is removed, but bag of the sand will hopefully keep the trap in check. Indiana glances around, expecting the worse, but nothing happens. He has succeeded in capturing the idol! The music swells. Note: this is all taken from the opening sequence of Raiders of the Lost Ark).
INDIANA JONES: Yes!
(Pleased by his success, he turns to go. But that moment, BOKLAVA VON SNIPE enters from the opposite side. A villainess of the highest order, she is dressed all in black, holds a riding crop, and speaks with a thick accent of indeterminate origin. Note: it is impossible to camp up this role too much!)
BOKLAVA: Not so fast, Dr. Jones!
(Indiana whirls in surprise.)
SFX: the music fades out.
INDIANA JONES: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Boklava Snipe.
BOKLAVA: At last ve meet again!
INDIANA JONES: What do you want, Boklava?
(She waves her riding crop, perhaps seductively.)
BOKLAVA: Vhat do you think? I vant the idol, of course.
INDIANA JONES: Well, you can’t have it! This thing belongs in a museum, and that’s exactly where I’m taking it.
(He puts the idol in his jacket pocket and turns to go. Boklava speaks, stopping him.)
BOKLAVA: But you still need to get out of this temple, Dr. Jones. And there are certain, shall ve say...traps still to be evaded! But just say the vord, and I’ll show you the safe vay out. In exchange for the golden idol, of course!
INDIANA JONES: No chance, Boklava! There’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve already gotten past the pit trap, the giant rolling ball trap, and the toasted s’mores trap...
BOKLAVA: Oh, but those vere all mere trifles compared to this last challenge!
INDIANA JONES: What challenge?
ANDREA (from off-stage): Indiana? Indiana Jones?
BOKLAVA (dramatically): The Challenge...of the Potentially Pissed-Off Girlfriend!
(In big flourish, Boklava withdraws. As she does, Indiana’s girlfriend ANDREA enters. She is wearing everyday clothing--a sharp contrast with both Indiana and Boklava.)
INDIANA JONES (surprised to see her): Andrea?
ANDREA: There you are, Indy! I’ve been looking all over for you!
(She immediately takes his hand.)
INDIANA JONES: You have? Why?
(At that, she immediately pulls away again.)
ANDREA: Oh. So your forgot, did you?
INDIANA JONES: No! I didn’t forget!
(to himself)
What didn’t I forget?
ANDREA: Yeah? Then what is it? What’s today?
(Indiana draws out each word, trying to guess the truth from Andrea’s reaction to each guess.)
INDIANA JONES: It’s...your birrrrrthdaaaaaaa...our anniversssssaaaaaaa...the day we go shoooooooopppppping ...fooooooooorrrrrr...
furrrrnniiittturrrrr....
(Andrea registers nothing, and Indiana still doesn’t have a clue. Boklava appears in the background, behind Andrea.)
BOKLAVA (whispering): Just say the vord, Indiana Jones, and I’ll get you out of this! Just say the vord!
(But suddenly Indiana remembers!)
INDIANA JONES: Open houses! We were going to spend the day looking at open houses!
SFX: Indiana Jones theme song begins to play again
ANDREA: You remembered!
(She steps forward and hugs him.)
INDIANA JONES: Of course I remembered, honey! You didn’t think I’d forget something as important as that, did you?
BOKLAVA (with a clenched fist): Lucky guess, Dr. Jones. But you’re not out of the temple yet!
(Hearing Boklava, Andrea turns to see who has spoken. But by then, Boklava has retreated back into the shadows.)
SFX: The music fades out.
ANDREA (to Indiana): Indy, can I ask you something?
INDIANA JONES: Sure, honey. What is it?
ANDREA: What do you spend so much time in these ancient temples?
INDIANA JONES: Well, it’s my work.
ANDREA: But you always leave me home alone. It makes me end up feeling like history’s bitch.
INDIANA JONES: Well, that’s the problem with being so damn modern.
ANDREA: What?
INDIANA JONES: What what?
ANDREA: Did you just accuse me of being a shrill feminist?
INDIANA JONES: No! No, you’re not that at all!
ANDREA: So you don’t think I’m a feminist?
INDIANA JONES: No! You are!
ANDREA: Which means you think I’m unfeminine.
INDIANA JONES: No! That’s not what I meant at all!
ANDREA: Well, what did you mean?
INDIANA JONES: I meant...uh...
(As Indiana is at a loss for words, Boklava steps out of the shadows again.)
BOKLAVA: The idol, Dr. Jones! Just give me the golden idol!
ANDREA: Indiana? What did you mean?
INDIANA JONES: Uh...I meant...well...um...
(Indiana grows increasingly panicked. He looks down at the golden idol in his pocket and over at Boklava, who is reaching out to him.)
BOKLAVA: Give it to me!
(But then suddenly Indiana has the answer!)
INDIANA JONES (calmly, sincerely): Honey, I think your being a feminist makes you more feminine. It’s one of the things that most attracts me to you!
SFX: Indiana Jones theme music
(Andrea is touched. Indiana has said exactly the right thing.)
ANDREA: Really?
INDIANA JONES: Really!
(As she hugs him again, Indiana sighs a heavy sigh of relief.)
SFX: The music fades out.
(They turn to leave again.)
ANDREA: Hey, guess what Ellen told me?
INDIANA JONES: What?
ANDREA: She asked Greg what his biggest sexual fantasy was, and he said it was to be with her and another woman. And you know what she said?
INDIANA JONES: Um...what?
ANDREA: She said yes! So now they’re going to put an add on Craig’s list, looking for another women!
INDIANA JONES: Really...
ANDREA: Yes, really. What would you think about that?
INDIANA JONES (nervously): Uh, what do I think about what?
ANDREA: Well, the idea of a threeway with me and another woman.
(It is clear that Indiana is very, very turned on. But at the same time, he’s terrified to admit that, for fear that that isn’t what Andrea wants to hear.)
INDIANA JONES: What do I...think?
ANDREA: Yes. Is that something you’d ever want to do? I want you to tell me the complete truth.
INDIANA JONES (under his breath): Like hell you do.
ANDREA: What’s that?
INDIANA JONES: Nothing! Well, honey, what do you think about a threeway with you and another woman?
ANDREA: I don’t want to tell you. I want to know what you think first.
INDIANA JONES: I, uhhh, see.
(Indiana continues to be torn between the possibility that Andrea might actually be okay with his total sexual fantasy...and the possibility that she’s using this as a test of his commitment. Behind Andrea, Boklava emerges from the shadows again. She says nothing, simply begins to laugh, an evil cackle that goes on and on growing louder and louder.)
ANDREA: Indiana? Tell me what you think.
INDIANA JONES: I think...I think...I think it’s time for your present!
(Boklava stops laughing in a hurry.)
ANDREA: My present? What present?
(With a flourish, he pulls the golden idol from his jacket.)
SFX: Indiana Jones theme music
INDIANA JONES: This present!
(ANDREA stares at it.)
ANDREA: What is it?
INDIANA JONES: It’s solid gold, that’s what it is! You could melt it down and turn it into almost anything you want!
ANDREA: Really? But shouldn’t this be in a museum?
INDIANA JONES: Screw that! And look! Here we are, at the door to the temple. Out we go!
BOKLAVA (from behind): Quick thinking, Dr. Jones! You and your feminist girlfriend have escaped this time. But don’t think this is over!
SFX: Theme music stops suddenly.
ANDREA: Feminist? Did she just call me a feminist?
INDIANA JONES: I think she did.
(Andrea turns on Boklava.)
ANDREA: Did you mean it as a good thing or a bad thing?
BOKLAVA: Vhat? Vell, uh, that depends on vhat you think.
ANDREA: I think I want to know how you meant it!
(As Boklava mutters incoherently, Andrea keeps stepping toward her, pushing her back off-stage.)
BOKLAVA: Vell, I, uhhhh...I’m not...I don’t...
(Finally, Boklava "falls" off-stage. Suddenly, she screams out in horrible pain.)
INDIANA JONES: Yikes. Right into the s’mores. Well, so much for her. Now let’s go look at those open houses!
ANDREA: Okay.
(They start to exit, but Andrea stops.)
ANDREA: By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you: Do you think these pants make me look fat?
(Indiana stops suddenly, stares out at the audience, defeated.)
(BLACK OUT)
END OF PLAY
It's all cool,
Brent Hartinger
My Books:
* Dreamquest
* Split Screen: Attack of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies/Bride of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies
* Grand & Humble
* The Order of the Poison Oak
* The Last Chance Texaco
* Geography Club
INDIANA JONES (surprised to see her): Andrea?
ANDREA: There you are, Indy! I’ve been looking all over for you!
(She immediately takes his hand.)
INDIANA JONES: You have? Why?
(At that, she immediately pulls away again.)
ANDREA: Oh. So your forgot, did you?
INDIANA JONES: No! I didn’t forget!
(to himself)
What didn’t I forget?
ANDREA: Yeah? Then what is it? What’s today?
(Indiana draws out each word, trying to guess the truth from Andrea’s reaction to each guess.)
INDIANA JONES: It’s...your birrrrrthdaaaaaaa...our anniversssssaaaaaaa...the day we go shoooooooopppppping ...fooooooooorrrrrr...
furrrrnniiittturrrrr....
(Andrea registers nothing, and Indiana still doesn’t have a clue. Boklava appears in the background, behind Andrea.)
BOKLAVA (whispering): Just say the vord, Indiana Jones, and I’ll get you out of this! Just say the vord!
(But suddenly Indiana remembers!)
INDIANA JONES: Open houses! We were going to spend the day looking at open houses!
SFX: Indiana Jones theme song begins to play again
ANDREA: You remembered!
(She steps forward and hugs him.)
INDIANA JONES: Of course I remembered, honey! You didn’t think I’d forget something as important as that, did you?
BOKLAVA (with a clenched fist): Lucky guess, Dr. Jones. But you’re not out of the temple yet!
(Hearing Boklava, Andrea turns to see who has spoken. But by then, Boklava has retreated back into the shadows.)
SFX: The music fades out.
ANDREA (to Indiana): Indy, can I ask you something?
INDIANA JONES: Sure, honey. What is it?
ANDREA: What do you spend so much time in these ancient temples?
INDIANA JONES: Well, it’s my work.
ANDREA: But you always leave me home alone. It makes me end up feeling like history’s bitch.
INDIANA JONES: Well, that’s the problem with being so damn modern.
ANDREA: What?
INDIANA JONES: What what?
ANDREA: Did you just accuse me of being a shrill feminist?
INDIANA JONES: No! No, you’re not that at all!
ANDREA: So you don’t think I’m a feminist?
INDIANA JONES: No! You are!
ANDREA: Which means you think I’m unfeminine.
INDIANA JONES: No! That’s not what I meant at all!
ANDREA: Well, what did you mean?
INDIANA JONES: I meant...uh...
(As Indiana is at a loss for words, Boklava steps out of the shadows again.)
BOKLAVA: The idol, Dr. Jones! Just give me the golden idol!
ANDREA: Indiana? What did you mean?
INDIANA JONES: Uh...I meant...well...um...
(Indiana grows increasingly panicked. He looks down at the golden idol in his pocket and over at Boklava, who is reaching out to him.)
BOKLAVA: Give it to me!
(But then suddenly Indiana has the answer!)
INDIANA JONES (calmly, sincerely): Honey, I think your being a feminist makes you more feminine. It’s one of the things that most attracts me to you!
SFX: Indiana Jones theme music
(Andrea is touched. Indiana has said exactly the right thing.)
ANDREA: Really?
INDIANA JONES: Really!
(As she hugs him again, Indiana sighs a heavy sigh of relief.)
SFX: The music fades out.
(They turn to leave again.)
ANDREA: Hey, guess what Ellen told me?
INDIANA JONES: What?
ANDREA: She asked Greg what his biggest sexual fantasy was, and he said it was to be with her and another woman. And you know what she said?
INDIANA JONES: Um...what?
ANDREA: She said yes! So now they’re going to put an add on Craig’s list, looking for another women!
INDIANA JONES: Really...
ANDREA: Yes, really. What would you think about that?
INDIANA JONES (nervously): Uh, what do I think about what?
ANDREA: Well, the idea of a threeway with me and another woman.
(It is clear that Indiana is very, very turned on. But at the same time, he’s terrified to admit that, for fear that that isn’t what Andrea wants to hear.)
INDIANA JONES: What do I...think?
ANDREA: Yes. Is that something you’d ever want to do? I want you to tell me the complete truth.
INDIANA JONES (under his breath): Like hell you do.
ANDREA: What’s that?
INDIANA JONES: Nothing! Well, honey, what do you think about a threeway with you and another woman?
ANDREA: I don’t want to tell you. I want to know what you think first.
INDIANA JONES: I, uhhh, see.
(Indiana continues to be torn between the possibility that Andrea might actually be okay with his total sexual fantasy...and the possibility that she’s using this as a test of his commitment. Behind Andrea, Boklava emerges from the shadows again. She says nothing, simply begins to laugh, an evil cackle that goes on and on growing louder and louder.)
ANDREA: Indiana? Tell me what you think.
INDIANA JONES: I think...I think...I think it’s time for your present!
(Boklava stops laughing in a hurry.)
ANDREA: My present? What present?
(With a flourish, he pulls the golden idol from his jacket.)
SFX: Indiana Jones theme music
INDIANA JONES: This present!
(ANDREA stares at it.)
ANDREA: What is it?
INDIANA JONES: It’s solid gold, that’s what it is! You could melt it down and turn it into almost anything you want!
ANDREA: Really? But shouldn’t this be in a museum?
INDIANA JONES: Screw that! And look! Here we are, at the door to the temple. Out we go!
BOKLAVA (from behind): Quick thinking, Dr. Jones! You and your feminist girlfriend have escaped this time. But don’t think this is over!
SFX: Theme music stops suddenly.
ANDREA: Feminist? Did she just call me a feminist?
INDIANA JONES: I think she did.
(Andrea turns on Boklava.)
ANDREA: Did you mean it as a good thing or a bad thing?
BOKLAVA: Vhat? Vell, uh, that depends on vhat you think.
ANDREA: I think I want to know how you meant it!
(As Boklava mutters incoherently, Andrea keeps stepping toward her, pushing her back off-stage.)
BOKLAVA: Vell, I, uhhhh...I’m not...I don’t...
(Finally, Boklava "falls" off-stage. Suddenly, she screams out in horrible pain.)
INDIANA JONES: Yikes. Right into the s’mores. Well, so much for her. Now let’s go look at those open houses!
ANDREA: Okay.
(They start to exit, but Andrea stops.)
ANDREA: By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you: Do you think these pants make me look fat?
(Indiana stops suddenly, stares out at the audience, defeated.)
(BLACK OUT)
END OF PLAY
It's all cool,
Brent Hartinger
My Books:
* Dreamquest
* Split Screen: Attack of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies/Bride of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies
* Grand & Humble
* The Order of the Poison Oak
* The Last Chance Texaco
* Geography Club
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