Voices In My Head (Brent's Blog) - April 1st, 2008

An article I wrote for AfterElton.com:

Knocked Up star Katherine Heigl shocked Hollywood today by announcing her split with her BGFF, or “best gay friend forever,” T.R. Knight. Both appear on the smash hit ABC show Grey’s Anatomy and were one of the world’s highest profile celebrity gay guy/straight girl pairings.

“I have decided to terminate my relationship with T.R. Knight, effective immediately,” Heigl said in a statement through her publicist.

“Katherine who?” Knight said, pointedly appearing on a recent red carpet with Star Wars star Natalie Portman. “I’m sorry. I don’t know anyone by the name of Katherine.”

According to a friend of Heigl, speaking on the condition of anonymity, the problems began when Knight appeared at Elton John’s recent Oscar party and AIDS fundraiser with a new boyfriend, 19 year-old Mark Cornelsen. The two have been inseparable ever since leading Heigl to feel abandoned.

“It’s always the same story,” said Grace Adler, one half of TV’s Will & Grace, formerly an interior designer, but now a therapist specializing in break-ups between straight women and their BGFFs. “It’s fine when the gay guy is single. You complain together that all the good guys are taken, you eat ice cream while watching the Colin Farrell sex tape. But then the gay guy gets a new boyfriend, and we ‘fruit flies’ get tossed away like used condoms.”

As therapy, Adler suggested that Heigl, who almost certainly has a key to Knight’s house so she can take care of his dogs while he’s away, break in and replace all his hair care products with Nair. She also recommended leaving a boiled rabbit on his stove.

“Of course that’s easy for me to say,” Adler said. “I’m fictional.”

Elizabeth Taylor, president of Friends And Girls Harboring Affection for Gays, or F.A.G. H.A.G, urged cautious optimism. “Knight will be back,” Taylor said. “Cornelsen is a total twink. Does Heigl really think this is anything other than a gay mid-life crisis? Monty [Clift] went through this, Roddy [McDowell] went through this, Rock [Hudson] went through this. Jake Gyllenhaal is going through it right now. Wait, I didn’t just out Jake Gyllenhaal, did I?”

“Anyway, get used to it. Gay men have a terrible time with commitment,” added the octuply-married Taylor.

It may already be too late for Heigl and Knight. Heigl is reportedly fast-tracking a replacement BGFF, having been spotted lunching with out actor Neil Patrick Harris. In addition, The National Enquirer recently printed a photo of Heigl emerging from the house of Lance Bass with freshly-braided hair.

Meanwhile, in addition to Portman, Knight has been seen browsing a farmer’s market with legendary queer peer Margaret Cho. Spectators also reported him participating in a sumptuous “party dress montage” at Rodeo Drive’s Dolce & Gabbana with Keira Knightley, a flagrant rejection of Heigl’s recent romantic comedy 27 Dresses.

This isn’t the only high profile gay guy/straight gal break-up in recent weeks. Liza Minnelli reportedly threw a plate of spaghetti in the face of Cabaret lyricist and longtime BGFF John Kander after he suggested her trademark “pixie” haircut had finally grown tired. Meanwhile, Madonna is said to have stormed out of the studio where she was recording her new CD Porn Star, after BGFF Rupert Everett suggested that perhaps she’d dipped once too often into the well of sexual controversy.

Former Grey’s Anatomy co-star Isaiah Washington has sided with Katherine over her break-up with Knight. “I told Katherine that Fruity McMunchkin was a backstabbing bitch,” Washington said. “But did she listen to me? No-o-o. Well, she was hardly the only one taken in by that little faggot’s act.”

A moment later, Washington added, “By the way, I didn’t just use the word ‘faggot’.”

In the end, Adler had the wisest words of all regarding the whole affair. "April fool," she said.

It's all cool,

Brent Hartinger


My Books:

* Dreamquest
* Split Screen: Attack of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies/Bride of the Soul-Sucking Brain Zombies
* Grand & Humble
* The Order of the Poison Oak
* The Last Chance Texaco
* Geography Club

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